The 5 Best Burger Toppings You’ve Never Had

Woman With Burger Sandwich In Hand And Green Apple

Just admit it: you’re a bit of a wuss when it comes to ordering a burger. Sure, you’re cool with lettuce, tomato, onion, and maybe a pickle every now and then, but that’s where it stops. It’s time to leave behind the comfortable world of taste and mouth feel that you’ve clung to for so long and learn how to fully engage every single taste receptor you’ve got.

Open wide: here come the 5 best burger toppings you’ve never had.

Manatee Tears.

Did you know that manatees show signs of complex associative learning? Did you also know that they cry when slowly roasted over an open flame? Time for you to stop blubbering and order your burger.

Duck Webbing.

Yeah it sounds weird, until you realize that when a duck is murdered by your butcher, all of the flavor instantly sucks back into the webbing between its feet. Duck fat fries are so 2014 – time to get your advanced waterfowl on, burger-style.

Richard Branson’s Credit Card Statement.

This is for your mouth, not your eyes. You want to taste what it’s like to put an entire fleet of private jets on an Amex Black and then put that statement on an Amex Centurion Golden Fleece Extreme and then send that second statement to the Moon for processing on your own private rocket ship.

Tree Frog Venom.

Just a single drop on the skin can kill a man in under 30 seconds. Titrated down to one part per million, tree frog venom on your burger is the blind-folded night-time bungee jump of the culinary world. Don’t worry: only a small percentage of eaters end up paralyzed below the waist.

Self-Confidence.

Just kidding. It’s not in your burger either.

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