The Mummy – Movie Trailer Review

192 seconds.
Playing major theatres starting in June 2017. Unrated but probably worth a PG rating because of educational Egyptian History talk that will be essential learning material to children.

If movie production was like professional sports, the trading of Brendan Fraiser and Rachel Weisz for Tom Cruise, Russell Crowe and Sofia Boutella would be one of the most one-sided transactions of all time.

However, as seen in the latest trailer for ‘The Mummy,’ all those fantastic names and talents can easily go to waste. Here’s what we know for sure: Rick O’Connell and Evelyn Carnaham, protagonists of the last The Mummy movie and played by Fraiser and Weisz, are dead. Well not actually, I mean, they’re fictional characters and theoretically they all live in separate fictional universes but all I’m saying is you need to stop thinking about them. No, don’t send their families flowers. Just delete them from your phone.

In their place are a number of dreamy characters that fill in the familiar movie tropes. The hero-man who can jump out of airplanes, through busses, and swim for insane periods of time is played by the one and only Tom Cruise, while Russell Crowe plays a professor-like character who introduces us to the main villain of the movie. Before going on, lets bring up the fact that Crowe, who has won an Oscar for best actor in Gladiator and then punched the crap out of people in Cinderella Man has now transitioned into a role that asks him to say “Let me introduce you to Princess Ahmanet.” Literally subtitles could just say “Princess Ahmanet” under her and we’d be done here. He’s not even being the Iceman to Tom Cruise here, a role that was handed out to and wasted on Val Kilmer in ‘Top Gun!’

But I’ll stop talking about washed out talent, and bring up the ancient, magical and recently resurrected Princess Ahnamet, played by Sofia Boutella. This is a chance to see Boutella in the way you’ve been dreaming of since you saw her play the blades-for-legs baddie in ‘The Kingsmen.’ That is, she’s sexily destroying the planet in as little clothes as possible. Yay! I suppose she’s also ‘The Mummy’ from the movie, which is weird, since they’re usually all old, crusty and at least decaying in some form.

Even more interesting than that though, is that Tom Cruise is killed within moments from the start of the trailer. Now all your date has to think about is you! Bad news though, as he seems to get ressurected and continues to deliver all the goods you’d expect in a Tom Cruise movie. There’s intense staring like you saw in ‘Risky Business.’ Then he’s in the middle of insane action sequences, something you’d recognize if you saw any of the ‘Mission: Impossible’ movies. And of course there’s all the running he does, which even he admits on his Twitter bio he’s been doing since 1981.

One of the action sequences we see here is a flipped over double decker buses, which he seems to just jump through! Problem solved everybody – if a bus is careening towards you, just jump right through it. Thanks Tommy for showing us how it’s done. But then I realized that there’s a double decker bus, lots of action, Russell Crowe not beating anyone up and a lot of sequences in London which confused me about what movie trailer I was watching. Then they showed a sarcophagus and it all became clear.

Universal Studios is bringing back the scary thrillers it used to be known for. ‘The Mummy’ wasn’t originally a cheesy Brendan Fraiser action flick, but instead serves as a black and white movie from 1932 about a mummified Pharaoh brought back to life to stalk the woman he believed to be his lover. It was really a delightful romantic romp in the same vein as ‘You’ve Got Mail.’

This version of The Mummy though, looks like ‘2012’ or ‘The Day After Tomorrow,’ but with a bit of sand thrown in to be different (and a less heavy-handed climate change message). Did you enjoy those movies? Excellent, because then you’ll love this. If you’re expecting a wise cracking hero to save the day in Arabia, however then you’re going to be extremely disappointed. You’ll also feel that way if you expected Russell Crowe to do anything cool. I give it seven and a half intense Top Cruise Stares out of ten.

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