This Article Probably Wasn’t Written By Matt Damon

"The Martian" World Premiere

Don’t put too much trust in that byline. Matt Damon probably didn’t write this article. In fact, it’s safe to safe that Mr. Damon doesn’t really have strong opinions about which fall sweaters will get you through the upcoming holiday season, or how many ounces of vodka you should mix into your next martini (2). Matt’s most likely not spending any of his down time deeply engaged in pondering questions about how often a man can text a woman after their third date before he starts to seem clingy, or ruminating on whether it’s possible to spend too much money on an automated watch-winding device that will be used once and then buried at the back of the closet.

We’d go even further and say that Matt Damon doesn’t actually read this publication, or at the very most, perhaps asked a junior intern on his PR firm’s staff to breeze through a few back issues before cashing the check we sent him. It’s also unlikely that the freelance staffer we had put together this list of five French movies that made Matt Damon cry has ever actually even sent him a single email, even though they told us they had, and we chose to believe them.

Matt Damon might not have recommended this particular ski lodge in Vail, dived for clams off the coast of Nantucket with the author of his thin, yet readable profile, nor even returned any of our phone calls at any point in the past 12 months. But that doesn’t mean that Mr. Damon is not a real person, with real feelings, desires, and a complex inner life. It just means that for all intents and purposes, it’s impossible to say how involved Matt Damon has ever been in any of our extensive literary collaborations or co-chaired community charities or numbered company partnerships.

Make sure to check back next month for another deep dive into the world of fashion/food/etiquette/sports/cinema with Matt Damon.

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