This Watch Won’t Save Your Marriage, But Then Again, Neither Will Your Problem Drinking

Ultimate Watch

This watch can go to 300 atmospheres.

This watch has a movement that’s so precise, when we tried to measure it the atomic computer at its core just laughed at our puny human tools and used its quantum power to stop the heart of one of our technicians.

This watch has been into space, down to the floor of the Marianas Trench, and spent its summer vacation in Mordor.

This watch will remind you that your brother hasn’t gotten a phone call, text, or email from you in three years, and then assure you that he still loves you.

This watch once ran for President of the United States of America, but withdrew to ‘spend more time with its family.’

This watch was constructed out of aircraft-grade aluminum, reactor-grade plutonium, and passing-grade quadratic equations you can’t be bothered to remember from high school.

This watch won’t automatically closed and lock behind you.

This watch has the ability to transform your wrist into the kind of wrist you always dreamed you would have as a boy, but were never able to accomplish on your own as a man.

This watch is predictably good at everything you’re not.

This watch didn’t forget to tell its watchmaker father how it felt about him, even though this watch has no real feelings of its own, because it is a machine.

This watch doesn’t leave anything on the table.

This watch costs more than you make in six months, but holds its value long past you being dust in a box.

This watch could be yours.

This watch could be yours.

This watch could be yours.



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