Too Much Coconut Oil In Your Diet? 3 Tips To Avoid Shitting Your Pants
Fad diets are great. After all, how else can you claim to be making an effort to improve yourself without actually having to put too much thought into the decisions that have so far sculpted your body into some kind of marshmallow-based iceberg? The thing is, sometimes sticking to the latest celebrity-endorsed eating script can have unintended consequences, especially if you make the mistake of wearing white pants to work.
Check out these 4 tips to avoid shitting your pants after loading up on coconut oil in a bid to finally be thin enough to sit down on the subway without being accused of man-spreading.
1. Don’t Bend Over.
Don’t do it! Oh, you dropped your wallet? Forget about it. It’s time to leave your old life behind and assume an all-new identity, one where you’re not required to bend at the waist. Need to tie your shoes? It’s slip-ons for life now, motherfucker. Trying to get home after a party? It’s time to just climb onto the roof of that Uber and hold on for dear life.
2. Don’t Use A Butt-Plug
You might think that the words ‘butt’ and ‘plug’ together on the box guarantee an accident-free trip through life sucking down all the delicious, fat-burning coconut oil you can fit down your throat, but you’d be wrong. In reality, all you’re doing is stuffing a greased-up ass-missile into your eager butthole, one which at any instant could launch itself across the room and kill your roommate’s cat or seriously injure a co-worker. It’s not worth the risk.
3. Don’t Leave The House
You can feel it building with each and every step: that subtle, yet unmistakable sensation that the three gallons of coconut oil you’ve consumed this week are ready to vacate the premises like a deleted scene from the original Ghostbusters. Only this time, it’s not slime. It’s something else. Something we legally can’t print online without having our host shut down our account, sue our publisher, and send us all to prison. Something your body made. And you’re probably about to loose the damage deposit on your apartment. But hey – at least you’ll be marginally thinner after it happens.