Top 4 Detroit Auto Show Debuts That Will Kill Your Ab Diet

Young man driving his car while eating food
You’ve been trying for six pack abs ever since you turned 21 and realized that your days of coasting by on teenage dad bod were over. It’s been a hard road, but you were finally almost there – and then the Detroit Auto Show happened. The delicious, temping, Detroit Auto Show, filled with cars offering features seemingly designed to give you diabetes and fuck with your BMI.

Check out the top 4 Detroit Auto Shows debuts guaranteed to kill your ab diet.

1. Bacon-Dispensing Chevrolet Silverado

What do you do with all that dash space in the Chevy Silverado pickup? Why you install an 800-degree oven that can instantly sizzle bacon to a crispy, well-done texture, all while imbuing the cabin with the faint aroma of hickory. According to the brochure, you gain two pounds for every hour you spend behind the wheel, whether you eat the bacon or not.

2. BMW Lardbag

A lardbag is like an airbag, except it’s filled with lard, and doesn’t deploy in an accident, but instead hooks up directly to your bloodstream via an IV in all new BMW models. There’s no real benefit to lardbag, and there are certainly downsides, but lardbag definitely pushes up the sticker price, which makes it something you can brag about to your non-lardbag-having friends.

3. Ford Explorer Crawdad Edition

This special edition Ford Explorer swaps out its third row of seating for a crawdad tank, and its second row for a grille. The passenger seat is just a bucket for you to toss the crawdad carcasses in while you sit in traffic, and that big red button on the dash immediately connects you to the emergency cardiology unit at the closest hospital so you can ask them to deliver more butter in the ambulance that comes to pick you up.

4. Cadillac Cinnabon Seats

Forget leather: now you can sink down into a soft, supple, and freshly-baked cinnabon each and every time you get into you car. Revel in the luxury of warm icing dripping between your thighs, and lose yourself in the intoxicating aroma of cinnamon as the dough gently clogs your arteries. What a sweet way to die.

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