Top 4 Millennial Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles To Ruin Your Childhood Memories

Reboots are the order of the day when it comes to movie and comic book franchises, but sometimes things can go a little too far and make it feel like the real reason behind the fresh spin on an old favorite is to obliterate the past and piss all over your childhood memories. What better example is there than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, heroes on the half-shell that have gone through so many iterations that you’d need an app just to track which versions of the green crime fighter are currently, well, current.

It’s well past time for a Millennial-focused reboot of the Ninja Turtles – and with that in mind, we’ve put together the green gang for one last bow-staff shot to the groin of your golden years.


1. Leonardo Grayson

Leonardo Grayson is the leader of the ninja team, mostly because his helicopter parents insisted that he be placed in the upper echelon of any group he found himself in. Drawing on his family’s vast financial resources and strong social connections, Leonardo Grayson was able to comfortably establish himself as the alpha in the complete absence of any real-word experience, a fact that the other turtles have been unable to suss out during his stint in charge.



2. Donatello Ethan

Donatello Ethan made the mistake of telling his parents that he ‘kind of liked computers’ when he was 10 years old. Now, six years and 600 programming boot camps, engineering night courses, robotics challenge teams, and calculus competitions later, he’s trapped in a world of STEM that he’ll never escape until the sweet embrace of an overdose takes him forever from his turtle pack



3. Raphael Austin

Raphael Austin’s cool, but rude, because he was raised by the Internet.




4. Michaelangelo Mason

Michaelangelo Mason is just a chill bro who maybe wants to party, or maybe just wants to stare at the wall for a few hours because he misjudged how much Adderall he had to take to party under these circumstances. Also, Michaelangelo Mason is the right turtle to talk to if you want to buy some Adderall for ‘exam week.’








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