Top 5 Ways To Hide Your Second Family
5. Travel For ‘Business.’ Is it not plausible that a man who relies on a telemarketing job for half of his income while also drawing down a state disability pension might not need to spend at least two out of every four weekends on the road?
4. Join A Semi-Professional Sports Team. Preferably one that’s so obscure that conceivably, a man of your athleticism might actually qualify for the almost-big-leagues. How about cribbage? Or curling? No one really understands either of those ‘sports’ so you’ll be saved from anyone asking when they can catch a match on ‘ the Ocho.’ Or maybe hook up with a semi-pro t-ball outfit, so you can spend some time with your outside son while you inhabit your mansion of lies.
3. Mosquito Coast The Shit Out Of Them. Move them to the woods, live off the land, and for goodness sake, whatever you do, don’t ever let them learn how to read. If possible, perform some type of mind trick on your outside-spouse that makes him/her forget about the Internet or any form of communications technology. Fill the void with weaving, basic first aid, and how to avoid water-borne parasites.
2. Claim You’re Practicing For A Play. Yes, that’s why someone said they saw you kissing someone else, and then loading someone else’s kids into a minivan that doesn’t belong to you. There exists no greater thespian than a man who takes ‘all the world is a stage’ more literally than it was ever intended.
1. Send Them To Mars. Gradually, as the miles click by and face-to-face communication becomes more difficult, your love for them will fade to a dim pride in the knowledge that their sacrifice not only advances the footprint of mankind throughout the solar system, but also saves you from the horrific double-alimony you’d be facing if family number two had stayed Earth-bound.