Transform Your Body By Shifting The Male Gaze To The Mirror, Bro
If you’re a man living in the modern world, you know that times are changing. As ladies fight for their equality (no chill, am I right bro?), they’ve begun not just demanding the same pay and rights as us, they’ve actually started saying we can’t judge them on their physical appearance. And that’s crazy talk! Judging ladies on the way they look is one of the few freedoms we can still enjoy in locker rooms (and board rooms, for that matter!)
So, how can we hold on to this precious, precious tradition without the ladies calling sexism on us? Easy, bro! We just have to make sure that men face the same horrifyingly stringent expectations about their appearance (well, almost)! Polish up your pull-up bar and break out that gym membership, dudes, and let me tell you about all the parts of your body you should start worrying about TODAY!
First off, dudes, ladies aren’t the only ones who need to worry about their weight! But while chicks obviously need to make themselves as small as humanly possible in order to be worthy of respect, what you need to do is get SUPER MASSIVE! If you’re not spending at least three hours a day pumping iron and drinking protein shakes instead of water, you’re NOT MAN ENOUGH! Get out there and GET SWOLE!!
Struggling to develop the sort of super-cut abs you know you should have? That’s because you’re an actual monster! Up that protein content and cut out all fat from your diet—it’ll all be worth it when your stomach muscles start rippling like there’s something inside of you struggling to get out.
Tame The Ravages Of Time
But sometimes, hours and hours in the gym just aren’t enough. As dudes, we don’t have to worry about losing our looks the way ladies do—we just turn into silver foxes!—but that doesn’t mean we can just let ourselves go entirely. Your laugh lines should make you look debonair, not decrepit! Instead of squinting into the mirror contemplating your crow’s feet, head on down to the nearest plastic surgeon’s office, and tell the man in charge to hook you up with some BROTOX! Fist bump, doc!
Put In The Work
My bros, all these changes mean a lot of extra work for us. But sometimes, being a man means making sacrifices. And if we have to choose between the endless labour of clinging to our swiftly fading youth in a vain attempt to render ourselves immortal, or else just not judging women on their appearance anymore, I think we all know what the right choice is. After all, you wouldn’t want to have to look at your girlfriend without her makeup on, right??