United Airlines To Offer ‘Overhead Bin Only’ Ticket

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In a bid to further crush the souls of anyone simply seeking to fly home for the holidays, United Airlines has announced a new ‘Overhead Bin Only’ ticket fare for all of its domestic travel. The move comes mere days after previously announcing that certain fliers would have to pay extra at the gate if they wanted to carry on any luggage and use the overhead bins above their seats.

The ‘Overhead Bin Only’ ticket goes one better by not even assigning the holder a seat. Rather, the lucky buyer of this heavily-discounted ticket is exclusively allowed to squeeze themselves into the overhead bin, which according to FAA regulations must still remain closed during take-off, landing, and of course at all times during the flight.

Aimed primarily at circus performers, contortionists, and David Blaine, the ‘Overhead Bin Only’ ticket represents a seemingly insurmountable escalation in the ongoing war between airlines and their passengers. According to United spokesman Richard Amateur, the bins were chosen as the new seating class only after a heated debate about the feasibility of wing straps or towed air-coffins.

‘There was a group from Accounting that pushed really hard to somehow dangle passengers from the rear fuselage, kind of like Santa and his sleigh,’ said Amateur. ‘Concerns from Engineering about how this would add drag and impact fuel costs, however, ultimately moved us back inside the plane.’

It’s important to note that United does not include the cost of portable oxygen pouches in the ‘Overhead Bin Only’ fare, and these must be purchased separately prior to boarding. A surcharge for any passenger weighing over 30 lbs is also attached to the new ticket initiative. When asked to comment, recent riders who had sampled the bins on a Boeing 767 simple stared at the camera, shell-shocked and silent, for 20 minutes.

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