What Do These 5 Valentines Day Gifts Say About Your Relationship?

Young Woman Giving A Gift To His Man

 

Valentine’s day is finally here and your girl has set you up with some dope ass gifts. But don’t get too excited yet, since in reality all women are secretly scheming to send you discreet messages about your relationship status.

Here’s five likely gifts and what they say about your relationship.

Lingerie

If your girl gave you a gift of lacy bras and panties, she’s subtly telling you that you’re not keeping it up long enough in bed. This gift is supposed to help you get hard and ready to go as a form of visual foreplay, but we all know that the only way you’re going to last longer is if you stop jerking off to clips of jiggling silicone every 45 minutes. But it isn’t your fault is it? If you could just get some kind of mental help for your masturbation and/or porn addition then you could have loads of sex with her, lingerie or not! Also it’d help if she didn’t give you that completely off-putting face whenever you go limp for the fifth time that night, without satiating her carnal desires.

Then again, the lingerie can also point to another issue: that she wishes you were a woman and not a man. Basically she’s saying that the ‘straight relationship experiment’ is over and you should consider a sex change to make this thing work. Don’t forget the estrogen pills!

Dildo

This one is self explanatory. Basically she’s not over your latest argument and you should use this phallic item to fuck yourself. Better start thinking about your dead grandmother to well up some tears to make a believable, heartfelt apology… or you could also think back to your other sexy grandmother that you accidentally walked in on when she was showering. Those milkduds were to the GROUND! 

Or she could be suggesting that she’d rather be having sex with this inanimate item that doesn’t secretly cry in the garage after work, meaning that you’ve been too overbearing and clingy in the relationship. In which case, clam up and become as emotionless and sexy as that dildo. Consider learning how to vibrate too.

Chocolate Anus

This is the jackpot of the relationship status spectrum, the perfectly-to-scale moulded chocolate anus. An original idea if not for the fact that all Cosmo readers have already read about this gift.  This girl is basically begging you to marry her and knock her up to start a family. Just be sure to tell your future kids about the chocolate catalyst that led to their conception.

Then again, maybe you weren’t expecting the relationship to move this quickly. Are you guys really tight? Do you know her blood type? What’s her mom’s maiden name? And what kind of car hit her childhood pet? If you can’t answer those simple questions then you’re just not ready for a real relationship with the woman who is literally baring her soul to you, via a chocolate moulded anus. Bail out, you’re not mature enough for this shit man.

Playstation 4

The final curtain for a relationship is the expensive video game console. Bro, she’s finding a way for you to be entertained and occupied while she goes off and fucks another guy. Hell she could be doing it right in your own place, and you’re too engrossed in the new graphics and gameplay of Titanfall 2. While you’re hamming it up with your bros in Battlefield 1, she’s hosting a gang bang back at your place, and you weren’t even invited! I feel for you, and would suggest you break things off with her soon, but only after you hold onto the PS4 for about 14 days, so she can’t return it. Also lick it, so she can’t re-gift it to her new side piece.

Roses

Roses are soft flowers that are often placed on tomb stones. She’s pretty much telling you that the romance is dead and gone, but doesn’t have the heart to tell you. You could try saving the relationship with a child! That usually works for some! Plus it gives you the chance to give your child the same shitty family experience that turned you into the deadbeat you are today. 

On the other hand, there’s a chance the roses are from her actual lover and she didn’t get you anything. Congratulations, you’re the side guy and can get away with anything because you’re getting guilt-free, erotic sex. And by guilt free we mean that you get to have an affair with a women in her own household, while a picture from their wedding day is inches away from your face. Don’t think too much about that.

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