What Her Post-Sex Dinner Choice says About Your Performance

Your sugar mama treats you well, but is she subtly telling you how good or bad you’re fucking her?

Following in Beyonce’s footsteps detailed in her song Formation, ‘she’ll take you to Red Lobster if you fuck her good.’ Using that as a reference, lets see how you’re really performing in the bed as demonstrated by your woman’s post-sex dinner choices:

Hot Dog Vendor/Street Meat

When you finish in under a minute you get a meal served to you in under a second. This means you left her unsatisfied under the covers and as such you deserve a meal that’s been made with no love, care, or attention. Oh, and all the toppings are DIY, much like how she’s going to finish herself off once the Uber she ordered you is around the corner. 


The Golden Arches are the go-to place for something resembling food, just like you are your sugar mama’s go-to man for something resembling sex. Sorry man, you dropped both balls here, so go get your Big Mac and fries and let the cholesterol stiffen up your arteries and kill you. That way when you die at least something will be hard. 

Pizza Hut

If you worked up a sweat and took your time but ultimately never got your girl off, she might take you to the Hut. Greasy and cheesy is what you get for trying but still being terrible. At least ask to get the pretzel crust though.

Burger King

Better than McD’s is Burger King,  for several reasons. First of all she “had it her way” and second of all, it’s the home of the Whopper, which is what you call your dick because you are the most creative person in your friend group. If you guys aren’t doing that vanilla stuff, she might even spring for an Angry Whopper.

Denny’s or IHOP

Thank god for all-day breakfast. You hit the spot so good she can no longer even determine what time of day it is. So breakfast it is.

Red Lobster

Like Queen Bey said, if you fuck her good you go to Red Lobster. That’s probably because you’re making her walk sideways now, like a crab. Or because all she smells is fish everywhere as a result of your blindly crazy intercourse. With a trout dildo. You sick fuck. 

Cheesecake Factory

You hit the motherlode. She’s so satisfied she wants you to enter a food coma so she can scoop you up and store you in her dark, calorific basement so she can fuck you whenever she wants.

Hotel Restaurant/Room Service

This is her saying “get food fast and get back to drilling me.” How do you achieve this status? Two words: Multiple Orgasms. Reach for the stars, men.





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