What Should I Do With My Ex’s Belongings After Our Breakup?

A man weeps love breakup cheating. The woman left with her lover on a scooter

Dear Manonizer,

I just broke up with my girlfriend, and I keep tripping over her stuff. I don’t like having such a poignant reminder of my romantic failings harshing my mellow. What should I do to both remove this junk from my life, and also possibly achieve catharsis?

– Dean, Indiana.

Dear Dean,

Whether you’ve been dating for a few weeks or a few years, there’s bound to be an accumulation of his-and-hers stuff around your apartment the day you decide to call it quits. What to do with all of this newfound bounty?  Ebay? Craigslist? Bonfire? Mutual exchange of hostages on a darkened bridge so you can get your Counting Crows CD collection back from her dorm room?  Let’s explore the options.

•    Try not being an asshole. Just put it all in a box and take it over to her best friend’s house. And then sleep with her.

•    The Salvation Army won’t accept underwear, but it will accept a box that you’ve securely taped shut and dumped into one of its donation bins. Follow your heart.

•    If you do decide to burn everything in a gloriously cleansing fire, don’t do it in your bath tub. Do it in your oven.

•    Cover all of her clothes in her favorite perfume, and then sleep with a different hoodie/t-shirt/sweater/pair of leggings every night. Don’t leave the house for 3 weeks. Wait for your friends to stage an intervention. Then move on.

 

 

 

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