What You Need To Know About The New Nutrition

Man bodybuilder posing on gray background

The new nutrition doesn’t care about your carbs.

The new nutrition won’t help you with that extra visible inch.

The new nutrition is into protein you didn’t even know existed from animals you didn’t think were safe to eat.

The new nutrition can bench press 300 pounds on a bad day.

The new nutrition sideswiped your car and didn’t leave a note, because fuck you.

The new nutrition was designed in a top-secret government laboratory to be impossible to follow for more than two weeks without a shameful late-night trip to 7/11 for something so salty that it’s illegal in 75 percent of Scandinavian countries.

The new nutrition will hunt you down and make you look at pictures of your ex until shuddering sobs of regret wrack your entire body.

The new nutrition forced a hard-boiled egg down your throat and then laughed when you choked.

The new nutrition has nothing to do with kale.

The new nutrition is the only way to survive what’s coming.

The new nutrition defies FDA labeling in any form other than a flaming infographic of a fist punching another fist, in the face, forever.

The new nutrition happened, and you didn’t even notice.

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