What Your Chest Hair Should Look Like

Bearded Naked Man On Couch

Pecs and abs aren’t the only thing happening under your shirt this summer. You should be aware that as soon as you hit the beach, your step-daughter, second wife, third cousin, and the back-up lifeguard are going to be judging your chest hair. Too much, too little, not enough highlights, too much mousse – there’s an entire universe of ugly thoughts about your chest hair swirling in a black, frizzy hole of hatred that hovers immediately above wherever you choose to take off your top.

Don’t be a victim. Check out these suggestions as to what your chest hair should really look like.

1. A Graceful Swan

What’s the most beautiful animal on Earth? A swan. Why settle for anything less when it comes to your chest hair?

2. A Dollar Store Mop

I mean, if you don’t care, they won’t care, right? Bonus points if you can match the grey tone of Third World mop wool.

3. Whoopi Goldberg

She was famous, once.

4. An Entire Package Of Alfalfa Sprouts

Vegan-friendly, and wispy like a toddler.

5. Telly Savalas / Howie Mandel

Blind them with glare, don’t care.

6. A Cirrus Cloud

You think you can touch it, grasp it even, but who can hold a cloud?

7. A Doberman

Tapered, aggressive, but not unfriendly to the right person.

8. An Upside-Down Cross

Make your childhood rejection of Catholicism complete with a daring chest hair statement.

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