What Your Favorite Sex Position Says About How You’ll Die

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Did you know your bedroom preferences could cast a dim light into the future and ultimately reveal how you’re going to kick the bucket? We didn’t either, until we just decided they could at an editorial meeting, and now you’re reading all about it.

Just embrace it, ok? After all, we’re all going to bite it one day. Here’s what your favorite sex position says about how you’re going to die.

1. Missionary

Missionary is your go-to move? You’ll probably die alone, under a massive pile of hoarded newspapers, surrounded by cats.

2. Doggystyle

Like to get it on from the back? This is a clear indication that you’ll shuffle off this mortal coil completely alone, with no one even aware that you’ve been dead before a strong smell forces your landlord to pry open the door to you one-bedroom apartment with a crowbar.

3. Reverse Cowgirl

Reverse cowgirl definitely points to you falling to your death down a flight stairs, all by yourself, in a retirement home that doesn’t even have a name but uses a PO box on all of its correspondence.

4. Spooning

Spooning as you favorite afternoon delight is traditionally an indication that there won’t even be a priest standing over the hole as they lower your simple pine box six feet into the ground and then eventually cover it with dirt after taking a twenty-minute smoke break.

5. Standing

Like to get it on while defying gravity? Well, Mr. Macho, I guess the cleaning crew will find you in the executive washroom on a Sunday afternoon, pants around your ankles, without another human being in sight. At least you died doing what you loved: enjoying your solitary, sole-crushingly lonely existence.

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