When Should You Start Your Baby On Steroids? 4 Easy Tips

Pediatrician giving a three month baby girl intramuscular injec

Why wait until your son or daughter is capable of walking – or even speaking – before getting them started on a regimen of growth hormones and horse steroids that will transform their bodies into profitable professional athletes? If you haven’t already begun training them from the womb, don’t worry, because modern chemistry will help your kid catch up to the Olympic hopefuls and league MVPs in his or her kindergarten class.

It’s Never Too Early

Sure, doctors say you should never drink during pregnancy, but there’s really no literature out there suggesting you avoid injecting your unborn child with a complex cocktail of unlabeled ‘medicine’ that you bought at the gym from that weird guy who never sweats. Is it really any different than reading to her tummy while your future All-State fullback gestates? We’re not doctors, but probably not.

Consider Chewables

It can be hard to find a vein in a baby’s arm, especially once they really start to develop nice, tight muscle tone – so it’s worth looking into Flintstones Chewable Steroid Tablets, which are available over the counter in most former Eastern-Bloc countries. Be the first on your block to have a baby with a beard!

Wear Gloves

Trust us, you don’t want to get whatever it is that you’re putting in your baby’s body on your skin. It can really mess you up, so make sure you wear gloves, a breathing mask, and maybe a full-body condom as well. It’s also worth considering the construction of a solid steel nursery with a triple-pane ‘viewing window’ from which you can observe your offspring’s steroidal development without having to worry about being caught out by its many ‘mood swings.’

Don’t Identify As ‘The Parent’

If there’s one thing Hollywood has taught us, it’s that genetically-engineered children have an awful tendency to turn on their parents once they’ve gotten strong enough to break free from their prisons nurseries. Our advice is to avoid identifying yourself as the ‘parent,’ and perhaps adopt the persona of some sort of benevolent caretaker who’s been hired by a far-away father or mother. Maybe keep a portrait of some old dude on the wall that you can refer to as ‘the Gov’nor’ and make veiled allusions to him being the sire of your steroidal prodigy. Whatever works.

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