Which Of Your Bros Will Die During Spring Break? 3 Warning Signs
Every year, you and your bros head down to Mexico for a week of Spring Break sun, partying, and questionable decisions that you all agree never to talk about again. And every year, one of your bros dies because of some dumbass shit that in retrospect was completely avoidable.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to identify the danger bro before he makes a horrible mistake that will haunt you for the rest of your days? Here are three tips for figuring out which of your buddies isn’t coming back from down south.
1. He Won’t Stop Eating Off The Ground
‘It’s just a bit of sand, bro,’ he tells you, picking his burger back up off the beach and stuffing it into his mouth, completely unaware of the fact that there’s not enough hand sanitizer in the world to save him from the staph infection undoubtedly lurking in the dunes of Cancun. The fact that he does the same thing with cherries from his drink, bacon from the buffet, and, inexplicably, gum on the floor of the bus (‘it’s just a bit of bus, bro’) means you’re going to have to intervene as soon as possible before the flesh eating bacteria has completely hollowed him out.
2. He Keeps Betting With The Locals
Every time you hit up town, your buddy disappears within 10 minutes, only to be found in an alley, public bathroom, or behind a stack of chicken coops aggressively betting in a language he doesn’t speak, using money he doesn’t have. It’s just like when you were kids growing up together and his dad used to blow the rent money on the ponies, only this time it involves something more disturbing like cock fighting, turtle wrestling, or a contest to see who can drink the most of their own blood before passing out.
3. He’s A Champion Russian Roulette Player
Your bro’s always been a lucky guy – no one makes three-time champion in the Ivy League’s annual Russian Roulette Tournament without having a horseshoe up their ass – but like daddy’s credit card, the headmaster’s patience, and the protective ability of your Twinrix hepatitis shot, all good things eventually come to an end. Especially when playing against Mexican cartel members with poor impulse control and nothing to lose. Or a donkey. Why is he playing against a donkey? Oh wait, you know why: because life has nothing left to offer him, bro.