White Collar Crimes You Might Actually Pull Off

Asian Chinese Man With Handcuffs

1. Smuggling home 500 Keurig coffee pods in your pockets over the course of your entire career.

2. Committing an accounting error that lands a minor regional manager in trouble with the SEC until an audit backs them up, clears them of all wrong-doing, and saves their career in one of life’s small, unremarkable dramas.

3. Parking in a handicapped spot. On the weekend.

4. Installing a pirated version of Half Life on a company laptop, getting Trojaned, and seeing your CEO’s face on the news the next morning as he explains what happened to all those credit card numbers.

5. Using insider information to lose thousands of dollars on the stock market.

6. Forgetting to set the alarm code on a Friday and discovering on Monday that you are now an accomplice to the theft of your immediate supervisor’s signed game ball from a local fast-pitch league’s only recorded no-hitter.

7. Unwittingly committing a sex crime in your own cubicle after forgetting that the building’s security cameras are motion-activated, even at night.

8. Manipulating global markets to maintain a vice-like grip on commodities prices that flies in the face of supply and demand.

9. Becoming an Adderall mule for your boss on a business trip after he asks you to carry his briefcase through security after his ‘wrist cramp’ starts acting up.

10. Building a Ponzi scheme that rests upon the success or failure of your office fantasy football team, aka ‘forgetting your wallet at home when it’s time to pay Kevin the entry fee and hoping that you’ll just win everything this year and that it will be a moot point in January.’

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  • comment-avatar
    Charlie 2 years

    I’m reading this as a checklist. Challenge accepted.