Why Did You Agree to Watch ‘Gone Girl’ Together?

Sad Wife Or Girlfriend After A Breakup

You can feel it can’t you? The tension in the room is thick. Your head is heavy, your brow beaded with sweat and you just don’t want to look at your beautiful girlfriend or wife. All because you two decided to watch Gone Girl together, and she’s now realizing she has almost insurmountable power to fuck up your life.

Maybe you zoned out during the movie, fantasizing about all the hot sex you’ll have tonight after your girl gets warmed up on some chick-flick, but in reality here’s what just happened: your girl now has the play-by-play guide to framing you for murder. Not only that, but she gets to fuck her ex too.

Every argument you’ve ever had is whirling around her head. Every time you left the toilet seat up, didn’t put the garbage away, told her to “get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich” and then laughed uncomfortably when everyone in the room stared at you, every time you disagreed with her, it’s all led up to this moment where she’s already picturing herself holding a loaded gun against your head and slowly feeding you handfuls of broken glass.

Look, I can’t promise that you’ll get out of this with your relationship back to normal. And honestly, the easiest thing to do is just break up with her now and avoid either jail time or a shallow grave behind the local Rite Aid. But if you want to recapture the status quo and avoid joining the Navy, or the French Foreign Legion, there’s a few steps to consider. First, cancel any events or trips where you can be questioned for cheating on her. Put your side chick on ice for a while. Cancel your Brazzer’s account. Forget your dreams. Go to that pottery class.

Don’t bring these changes up. You need to appear to be neutral and non-threatening. This whole situation is like living with a Great White Shark, you don’t want to get on its bad side, you don’t want to give it even the slightest taste of your blood or else it’ll go on a full frenzy on you. That’s fifty-plus sharp ass teeth slicing you to bits.

Time will fix all of this. Eventually she’ll forget about the movie. If you want to push this along, consider sacrificing a few of your evenings to watch movies like The Notebook, or some sappy Pixar film. These have the potential to restore the balance in the relationship. If she starts to cry and says “I love you” or whatever code phrase you two have for expressing emotions, then you’re seeing progress. You may even begin to have normal sex again, where you’re on top and taking control, rather than crying on the inside and thinking “please don’t get yourself killed and frame me for murder.”

If things have indeed been defused, maybe you can learn from this whole experience. Maybe you’ll realize that watching chick-flicks with your girl has the potential to completely ruin your relationship. Maybe you’ll understand that Ben Affleck is the Dan Aykroyd of his generation. Maybe now you understand the importance of taking control in your household and not budging on what to watch together. But probably not. You’re probably going to die. Screaming. In prison. For a crime she committed.

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