Why I Did It: Becoming An International Arms Dealer
Real people, real life situations. Names have been changed.
“It just makes more sense to sell in bulk”
Randy, 55, turned a life-long hobby into a thriving global syndicate responsible for keeping conflict alive in dozens of failed states.
“I’d been listing stuff on Craigslist since I was a teenager – grenades, canisters of VX, silver bullets – when a buddy of mine on the dark web bragged about how much money he was making outfitting entire revolutionary armies in places like Sierra Leone. I decided it was time to kick things up a notch, and now I find myself sitting on a throne made of skulls, atop a mountain of death. Figuratively, of course.”
“She had, like, 7 Stinger missile launchers in her spare bedroom”
Andrew, 32, got involved through a friend of a friend of a friend on Tinder.
“I remember waking up after a forgettable night of drunken, meaningless sex and stumbling down the hallway of her apartment because I was too drunk to even figure out the passcode on my phone, let alone call an Uber. I must have grabbed the wrong door handle, because a trip-wire knocked me ass-over-tea-kettle into a room filled with more high explosives than I had ever seen in my life. I passed out, and when I came to she had a gun to my head, asking me if I ‘wanted in.’ What choice did I have at that point?”
“I’m 10,000 years old – what adventures do I honestly have left outside of an exploration of human misery?
Olanicus, 10,432, turned to arms dealing as a way to continue his in-depth study of the human beings that infest his adopted planet.
“I was really, really into dirty bombs for a while, until I realized most of the sects I was selling to were all talk and no action. They just wanted a cobalt-60 arsenal to brag about to their friends at the next bilateral summit talks. So I switched to recombinant DNA viruses – it’s the way of the future, my friend.”