Why I Did It: Becoming An International Arms Dealer

Dealer Spreading The Deck At Poker Game

Real people, real life situations. Names have been changed.

“It just makes more sense to sell in bulk”

Head1Randy, 55, turned a life-long hobby into a thriving global syndicate responsible for keeping conflict alive in dozens of failed states.

“I’d been listing stuff on Craigslist since I was a teenager – grenades, canisters of VX, silver bullets – when a buddy of mine on the dark web bragged about how much money he was making outfitting entire revolutionary armies in places like Sierra Leone. I decided it was time to kick things up a notch, and now I find myself sitting on a throne made of skulls, atop a mountain of death. Figuratively, of course.”

“She had, like, 7 Stinger missile launchers in her spare bedroom”

AHead3ndrew, 32, got involved through a friend of a friend of a friend on Tinder.

“I remember waking up after a forgettable night of drunken, meaningless sex and stumbling down the hallway of her apartment because I was too drunk to even figure out the passcode on my phone, let alone call an Uber. I must have grabbed the wrong door handle, because a trip-wire knocked me ass-over-tea-kettle into a room filled with more high explosives than I had ever seen in my life. I passed out, and when I came to she had a gun to my head, asking me if I ‘wanted in.’ What choice did I have at that point?”

“I’m 10,000 years old – what adventures do I honestly have left outside of an exploration of human misery?

Head2Olanicus, 10,432, turned to arms dealing as a way to continue his in-depth study of the human beings that infest his adopted planet.

“I was really, really into dirty bombs for a while, until I realized most of the sects I was selling to were all talk and no action. They just wanted a cobalt-60 arsenal to brag about to their friends at the next bilateral summit talks. So I switched to recombinant DNA viruses – it’s the way of the future, my friend.”




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