Why I Did It: Lying About My Bench Press
Real people, real life, real situations. Names have been changed.
“I thought if I lied, I’d get mad swole”
Fred, 22, decided to start lying about his bench press to try and taunt the universe into giving him the muscles he so richly deserves.
“I’d been reading The Secret, and I decided to put out the energy that I needed to get super-jacked and attract so much muscle by the power of positive thinking that I’d have to enlarge the door frames in my house. Instead, I ended up alone and confused, drunk-dialing anyone with an East German name in the phonebook trying to score steroids.”
“He said if I could just do two plates, he’d finish high school”
Ralph, 48, lied because he thought it would impress his son. But he was wrong.
“I walked into the garage and he was there messing around with my old Weidman gear. We hadn’t had a conversation in months, but as we made eye contact, he asked me how much I could bench. I told him two plates. Two plates later, I had no son.”
“The Seventh Seal opened, and an Angel of the Lord demanded me to bench press the 10 Commandments”
Ezekiel, age indeterminate, revealed that he felt compelled to fib about his bench press to the Christ-like apparition that emerged from the center of his forehead in an alley last Tuesday.
“Jesus was just so buff – I mean, it was clear that he had his shit tight. He asked me if I could bench 350, and I realized this was my one shot, so I just scoffed and said ‘nah bro, I’m 400 lbs easy.’ It was only when I saw the look of disappointment in his eyes that I realized Christ can see into the hearts of mortal men and peel away the darkness from the light. Plus, I was wearing a homemade suit I’d fashioned out of papier mache and garbage bags.”