Why I Did It: Stopped Masturbating

Real people, real life situations. Names have been changed.

Head3“The floating head of Christ commanded me to stop”

James, 27, describes how spiritual ecstasy kept him from the pleasures of the flesh.

“I was rubbing one out in the bathroom stall at work one night, when all of a sudden the floating head of Christ appeared before me in the mirror. It commanded me to cease my filthy ministrations and turn my back on the material in favor of the spiritual. Later that week, it also flashed in front of my eyes in the produce aisle and proclaimed that I should buy organic. A day later, Christ asked me to sacrifice my gerbil in the name of globalization. I’m seeing a therapist now.”

Head2“It was really hard after the double-amputation”

Charles, 52, touches on a difficult, post-operative time in his life.

“After a terrible wood-chipper accident, the loss of both arms made it virtually impossible for me to masturbate without risking further amputation from the steel claw that had been implanted just below my right shoulder. These days, I simply rely on the forceful jets of the communal Jacuzzi here at the hospital’s recovery center to remind of days gone by below the waist.”

 

Head1“My penis no longer offers any adventure”

Artemus, 44, bemoans the familiarity that has robbed him of his basic urges.

“It’s just the same old meat. Always there, dangling, raising its turgid eye in solemn, silent judgment. What discovery awaits me in this cursed region between my legs? What further pleasure can be rung from a cracked bell? How many more people have to die before I end this doomed quest?”

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