Why Your Beard Is A Different Color Than Your Hair

Surprised bearded man pointing up

1. You were part of a top-secret Navy experiment to breed human/dolphin super-soldiers, but a careless tip of the flask and, well, you’re the result. This doesn’t just explain your white beard / black hair combination, but it also has to do with those big, blubbery tears of rejection you cry out your blowhole at night, you half-breed freak.

2. Your significant other secretly bleaches your goatee at night because she has a Guy Fieri fetish that is too shameful to ever be spoken aloud.

3. You haven’t washed your beard since that chili eating contest you ‘won.’

4. Your facial hair is composed entirely of carbon nanotubes as part of a failed prank from your roommate’s MIT days.

5. You’re bald, and no one has pink, sunburned sideburns.

6. You’re bald and live in a cult where you must ritualistically soak your beard in elderberry juice twice per fortnight.

7. You’re bald and thought West Coast Choppers was a really cool esthetic.

8. Poor impulse control.

9. All reptilians have different-colored beards.

10. Your mother fucked a ginger.

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