You Don’t Sweat, So Why Bring A Towel To The Weight Room?

Muscular Man With Barbell

Everybody who knows you, knows one thing: you don’t sweat. Not once. Zero chance. You’ve never, ever witnessed a bead of perspiration travel down your brown to your chin and seen it drop to the floor below. Nor have you felt the need to change your shirt after cycling to the office in the morning, or endured the indignity of pit stains after a hard game of racquetball. You’re like a human Arizona, a sweltering inferno of charisma that’s so strong it instantly evaporates even the slightest hint of moisture from your rugged, manly skin.

So why should you be forced to bring a towel to the weight room?

That rule is for the others. The people who do sweat. The ones who leave shoulder-sized stains on the bench press and then walk away without even looking back at the disgusted face of the guy who’s got next. The dudes whose black curls drip all over the free weights while they ponder their next set, oblivious to the growing resentment building in the room. The men – can you even call them that, you wonder? – who really shouldn’t even be in the gym with you at all. Exertion isn’t impressive. Success should be effortless, not earned.

Those sanitizing stations, with their paper towels and small bottles of cleaner? Not for you either. Since you don’t need to carry a towel with you, why would you have any use for these handy clean-up tools, either? Besides, you’ve never spent a second scrubbing anything clean in your entire life. Why would you start in the weight room? It’s beneath you to even think about it. It’s ridiculous for you to consider making eye contact with anyone else during your workout. It’s laughable that you’d have anything to learn from anyone else, ever.

Leave that complimentary towel where it belongs – hanging on the rack next to the lockers for the next guy. The one who’s not you. The one who sweats. The one who’s gross.

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